


core memories

by kxrapikaz



Series: kxrapikaz vent time woohoo [4]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hunter Exam (Hunter X Hunter), Hurt No Comfort, Implied Relationships, Mentions of Violence, Mentions of familial death, Projection, The Kurta Clan Massacre (Hunter X Hunter), Yorkshin City | Yorknew City Arc (Hunter X Hunter), implied leopika, the black whale, vent - Freeform, vent fic, you can really see me projecting my love for leorio onto pika in the final entry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:54:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25906918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kxrapikaz/pseuds/kxrapikaz
Summary: kurapika looks back on those who have both helped and hurt him.(1st person POV, lowercase intended.)---aka me being emo over (and semi-projecting onto) kurapika via a series of journal entries.
Series: kxrapikaz vent time woohoo [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1986907
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	core memories

one: pairo.

my strongest memory is tainted red with blood and fire. it’s messy, distorted with shadow and anger and unintelligible figures screaming for me to run, with corpses that stare eyelessly, skin melting from bone like dripping candle wax. it hurts, really, but i can’t close my eyes without seeing it -- not for more than a few moments. it’s branded into my mind, searing hot as images of a headless body with broken legs unfurl in my memory. i had lost everybody without even knowing it; by the time i had returned to my village, the bodies were unidentifiable. i’d screamed for hours, cradling the corpses of my mother and my father and pairo in my arms, teeth gnashing and tears streaming down my cheeks in hot salty torrents until my eyes burned and my throat was raw and ragged and each breath stabbed at my lungs. my strongest memory is agony, coursing through my bloodstream like poison and jabbing me in the heart with every step i take. i cannot forget the way it shaped me, the way it painted my future with the blood of my clan. 

  
  


two: gon. 

perhaps my most bittersweet memory is all adrenaline-filled smiles and the feeling of exhilaration. the hunter exam was the first time i had felt real joy for a while, surrounded by friends and allies and feeling like i had finally lived up to the promise i had made to pairo. and gon freecss certainly reminded me of pairo, or perhaps a younger version of myself, in the way he recklessly threw himself into things, relying on nothing more than trust in others and his own almost innocent courage. he was out of control in possibly the best way, each movement unexpected and yet so predictable. gon freecss was more than an enigma, and i appreciated that more than i could ever dream of letting on. it hurts to remember the time he almost sacrificed his life for somebody who was already beyond saving, for somebody who had already passed. it hurts to think about the fact that i had almost lost him, and the fact that i did nothing. perhaps we are more similar than i initially thought. 

  
  


three: senritsu. 

senritsu is, without a doubt, my most comforting memory. though i had spent little over a few months with her, she managed to effortlessly weave her way into my heart. somehow, i found myself with another ally, and another person to call a friend. it’s odd, really; when i had first met her, i had hardly expected to exchange first names. i certainly hadn’t expected to trust her with my past, with my life. senritsu sits, warm and open in my chest. she hums gently in my mind, though only white noise amidst a tumult of clouded, nebulous thoughts and unspoken promises. i greatly cherish everything she’s done for me, every soothing cup of tea after a particularly bad night and every shared joke when i found myself able to loosen up a little. senritsu is a woman that i know i can trust, and that says far more than i could ever say in any well-crafted letter of thanks. 

  
  


four: chrollo. 

chrollo lucilfer has caused me nothing but pain, and i resent him for it. my one true regret is that i didn’t kill him when i had the chance, and that burns deep within my chest. i don’t think i could ever forget the way the bile rose in my throat when i saw him in yorkshin, or the way the skin just underneath my nose began to prickle the way it does when i’m on the verge of tears, or the pure, unbridled anger that bubbled up in my stomach, spitting and roaring and clawing at my insides. though, i truly am grateful that i had managed to punch him. i firmly believe that it was the least he deserved, after what he and his group of scum did to my family. chrollo lucilfer is my angriest memory, and i doubt that will ever change. my memories of chrollo come hand in hand with the unrestrainable urge to kill, and that is more than justified. 

  
  


five: leorio.

i do not know how to describe leorio paladiknight. i don’t think i could reduce him down to only one word if i even tried; even now, i’m struggling to do so. i have yet to tell him about emperor time. i think that, if i tried to speak, all that would come out would be garbled nonsense and a lot of tears. it’s no exaggeration when i say that he’s saved my life more times than he could ever begin to realise. despite our initial rivalry, i found myself warming to him quickly, and i found myself somehow trusting him. even on zevil island, where our lives were on the line, i made the decision to stick with him, of all people -- perhaps that was one of the best decisions of my life. leorio’s very essence is calming, relaxing in a way that not even senritsu could achieve, and sometimes i can’t help but crave that insatiable warmth. i yearn for him, regardless of how embarrassing that is to say. and yet he seems lightyears away from me, untouchable as he builds a gleaming reputation within the zodiacs and continuously gains the favour of chairman yorkshire, tending to the wounded and the sick on the lower levels of the black whale. i am hardly worthy of knowing him, particularly given my own reputation that sits half-forgotten and covered in blood and rage. my favourite memory is leorio paladiknight, and i fear that he will be my final memory. 


End file.
